A Songwriter's Plight

Hey lovely! Sorry that this is (obviously) late, and not on a Friday, and I know... I'm a terrible person. My bad, brah. Maybe you'll forgive me?

ANYWAYS :) A Songwriter's Plight:

When the majority of people hear a hit song on the radio, they consider the lyrics. They consider, who  sings the song, they consider what the song is about, and in cases like Taylor Swifts, they worry more about who the song is about than who actually, you know, wrote it.
And that's the dangerous, treacherous, petrifying plight of the songwriter.
It's enough to make me want to lock my three (yes... three) books of lyrics in a cellar, along with every recording of my songs ever, and swear everyone who's ever heard one to secrecy, and make sure no one ever knows who any of them were about. It's enough to make me consider limiting my audience to the four walls of my bedroom, my parents (because it's inevitable that when I sing into a microphone anywhere in my house that they will hear whatever angst-filled piece I've written most recently), and my best friend, Lizmilton. It's enough to stomp out the daydreams I have of performing on stages across the world, and make me stop trying to make those a reality.
But the thing about songwriting is it's addicting, and I know that I cannot stop.
I write songs the way that a writer journals- constantly, daily, and never without a personal aspect. I tried to keep a diary for years, but what I've found works better is setting my life to music. This confines me to a three-and-a-half-to-five minute space in which I can detail what's going on. Thus I am forced to express the main ideas in broader terms, and I have to make every line, every word count. Songwriters are meticulous and deliberate in the words that they choose-- each approaches a song differently, each edits a song differently, and each has their own Dictionary of Denotation. It's in whether or not a writer uses "house" or "home,"what rhyme scheme they choose, and what approach they take. Phrasing lyrically, with breathing, and with melody: the song I write about love isn't the song Taylor Swift would write, even if the lyrics nearly matched. It's the reason some songs have a weak line or two in my mind. I would change a part here or there, however what I know is that even if I think my changes would improve the song, the words the artist chose are the ones that he or she meant. And I have to respect that.
One of my counselors at camp brought up something very interesting. He told me that he doesn't care what the song says, or what the words try to build up-- what he's concerned with is how it makes him feel (i.e. he would listen to (gulp) Blurred Lines, because it makes him feel something, but he doesn't agree with what the lyrics say). I understand, however, I don't agree. What the lyrics say are what the audience remembers, and writes on their arms, and tattoos on various body parts. It's how you SAY the emotion the song makes the listener FEEL.
That being said, the songs I write are so specific and are intensely emotional. I have never written a song I am not 100% into, 100% abut myself, 100% about what I've been through. And so it's hard to premier songs to my friends that are about people they know, knowing full well that they might figure out who it is about. And because I write about strong emotions, those songs are really telling as to what what happened. Keeping in mind that I don't scream my personal life through the halls, there are events, shall we say, in my life that my friends don't know about.
I used to be afraid of this and fearful of this, however at this point I just find it so hard to give a shit like at all. I want to keep these secrets to myself. However, what I do know is what I have to say relates to other people, and that's my goal, after all.
I work so hard on all of these songs, and I wish that I could be playing them everywhere all the time everyday. If only! SO the plight of a songwriter is that each song is the most personal thing ever. And no one cares about WHO wrote it, it's who it's ABOUT.
Everyone in my life is fair game, good or bad. And no one really knows who the song is about unless I tell them. SO moral of the story: your speculation is just that-- speculation.

Girls Chase Boys Chase Girls

I don't chase.
I can run in heels, so you know.
I just don't have to chase you.
You don't have to chase me.
Be upfront.
Why play cat and mouse.

Adventures in Being Single 4: Confessions of a Single Girl

Hey lovelies. Hope you're doing excellent. I have now recovered from my mini cold, and am back up and running. I know I don't usually post on Wednesdays, but I hope soon to be updating more regularly! Look forward to the next post I plan to write this coming Friday called "A Songwriter's Plight" :)

NOW! Onto the post.

Yes, I know that I've been kind of obsessive about being single and keeping you updated, but that's because I'm feeling pretty amazing about it. I know now what I haven't known since I had my first boyfriend: I am strong, and I am independent, and I am complete without anyone. All my life love has been defined to me as finding someone who completes me, who I can't live without because they make me whole. This arcane kind of love is completely and totally plebeian. Because yes, that's fine for a while, but what about when you start fighting, or your relationship ends... I never want to come out of a relationship unable to stand on my own.

Saying goodbye is hard, and only made harder when the person is so without a doubt important to you that you cannot possible handle letting go of them. But I know now that strength isn't suffering in silence, but rather is having the courage to demand the respect I deserve. And I know that I shouldn't have to forget about wrong doings time and time again, and forgive the millions of insensitive things people say because I'm worried to speak up. No, I'm done, throwing myself under the bridge because I think that the crash will be worse. I've found however that I'd rather burn out in a spectacular supernova of stellar, white-hot fire. Having the air squeezed out me by water pressure, choking on the river... That's no way to go, even if it means martyrdom. That's over rated. I won't risk my life for the weak, but I will for those who really just can't help themselves.

Being single isn't the absence of a boyfriend. No, it's having the ability to stand up for yourself when there's no one telling you to. I don't need a boy to tell me that I'm pretty because I know that I'm beautiful just the way I am, no matter what other people think. I don't particularly care if boys like me, or if anyone finds me attractive, because I don't have to live with their opinions for the rest of my life. No, I don't. So whatever others think, it doesn't matter to me.

EXCEPTION: people who I really care about.

EXAMPLE: I've begun giving people cards. Like, I'll have a conversation with someone and if it's something that really means something to them, I'll find a quote I think that they'll really enjoy I give it to them on a card to cheer them up, or make them think. I made one for someone over the weekend, but I'm not sure if he'll appreciate it, or if he'll think that it's weird or creepy. I want to give it to him, but I go back and forth every time I almost do. I don't want to scare him off, because I want to be cost to him, I want to be his friend. I want to support him.

No, being single isn't the absence of a boyfriend. My hiatus from the hell that is high school dating isn't equivalent to me crying over ice cream on Friday nights, lonely because I don't have anyone to go on a date with. Dates? So overrated. Best friends? So UNDERrated. I never want people to think that I am running around dating like crazy. I don't mind people asking me if I'm dating so and so, or if me and such and such are a thing, because all that means is that they've noticed me getting close to someone. Which in mind isn't a bad thing. It's when people tell me I've had too many boyfriends... Uhm, no, I haven't had too many boyfriends. In fact I highly doubt that you even know how many people I've ACTUALLY been with. There are 5 people I've actually been with. 2 that I may or may not have been out with. And let me tell you, one of those relationships was 15 months, another was 8 months, one was two weeks, one was one week, and one was in middle school. Does that even freaking count? No. And I don't have to defend myself against anyone, because these are my decisions, they're what I did with my life, and I don't regret them or think that anyone can judge me for them. I decided to explain to you because I want you to know my basis here. I'm not ashamed at all. You're not me, so you don't know what these were, and you're not my best friend, so you don't know what it looked like, and you don't know the boys, you don't know at all.

I'm not in the habit, either, of chasing boys. Because if they're worthy of me, then I won't have to hook them. I don't want a boy to like me because I flirt with him, or make any advance. I want someone who likes me for me first, and I want the choice to be mine. I want it to be a mutual conversation, not a game of cat and mouse. I want that reality. And where life stands thus far, I want dating, and flirting, and smiling. I want small moments, and light smiles, and cheek kisses. I want memories, not a heavy, down hill risk. I want to take chances without risking my heart, but instead making it happier.

I want to be happy. Foolishly, completely, 100 percent happy. And I don't want it to be because of a boy. I want it to be because of me. And I want my friends to enhance it, I want boys to enhance it, and my family to enhance it. I will not cry over a boy who I mean nothing to. I will walk away if it's poisonous, I will tiptoe if it's treacherous, and I will walk with baited breath if it seems to easy. 

Thanks for listening :)

love, forever and always

R

Quotes

Every idea's been expressed in every way. Why reword it when someone's said it better?
And who ever said it before you probably had better credentials.
I've fallen in love with quotes because a quote can communicate everything I can, but better, and can communicate more. Who is it from, how did you write it, why did you choose it. Anyone can write a letter, but tracking down a quote is more personal. You put thought into it, and it shows.
Actions speak louder than words. Even just taking the time to write something for someone shows you care. But taking the time to select a quote? That means even more.
Your own words and a quote together? Now that's dynamite.

Adventures in Being Single Round 3: This Is Freedom

What good's an introduction? Let's just go ahead and jump in!

Lessons In Being Single in August and (Thus Far) in September:

Lesson 1: I've Had More Boyfriends than Taylor Swift (Depending on Who You Ask)

Depending on how you qualify dating, I've dated between 2 and 7 people. Definitely 2, as we were together first for 8 months, and my second boyfriend and I were together for 17 months. When I was in seventh grade, I went on my first date. So that's one. And this summer I had a quasi-boyfriend, and went on two dates ACCIDENTALLY. (Yes that's possible, no I'm not proud, yes it's a problem.) And there was this week-long fling in the spring, although of course I regret that so incredibly much. 

But the amount of people that I've heard I've dated/am dating? That's ridiculous.

Yesterday a girl in band asked me who I've been dating recently. Because she heard I've been dating someone. Yeah, uh, NOPE. #singlelife and loving it. (Don't tell anyone but I do wish to possibly go to homecoming with this boy).

But I've decided that I wish to be single still for a while.

Lesson 2: Single and Ready to Mingle

Yes. I used that phrase. It's accurate.

I don't want to get tied down. I don't want to end up in a heavy, all-bets-are-off, touch and go, hundred-mile-hour-downhill-no-brakes relationship, wishing to be back here in freedom. I want the ability to hold a boy's hand because mine is freezing and not be thinking about someone else that I'm not even going out with because I feel a bit like I cheated.

You can't cheat on someone you're not going out with, Rex. It doesn't work like that.

And I don't want to feel like this because I was freezing. And I don't want to feel bad about chatting with him the entire movie, because I want to be his friend. I do. I don't know his last name... It's terrible...

Lesson 3: Freedom

I can wear what I want, do what I want, and say what I want. I can be myself without having to sacrifice anything for anyone. I can focus on whatever I want to. I don't have to explain myself if I disappear for an hour because I'm practicing piano or guitar, nor do I have to explain why I don't want to talk to people sometimes. I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not. I'm free.

Lesson 4: Dancing

I missed dancing. Because all my past boyfriends were too shy to dance at homecoming or any other dance/party. I can go crazy because I don't have to worry about what other people think of me at all. I don't usually anyways, but I suck at dancing.

LOVE YA'LL And WISH ME LUCK

R

forever and always

Unrequited and Casual

I don't care if you don't like me.
At least that's what I'll say.
And I don't care if you joke around
With other girls all day.
I'll just hide my jealousy,
And admire you from afar.
And you'll mock and kid with me,
And I'll dream of what we aren't.
I'll pretend to laugh when you joke,
About my looks and stature...
I'll laugh and smile and look away.
Pretend to look demure.
It's not that I'm self-conscious,
Or care if what you say's true...
I just don't want boys thinking that...
Specifically? Not you.
Not you, the boy I wish were mine,
Who I dream of every night.
Whose name I know from it's deep echo,
In darkness and in light.
And reality serves to tell you that
I'm exaggerating the truth,
Romanticizing what this feels like...
Because that's what I do.
And I guess that I should let you know,
That I'm thinking about you.
But you're a bit of a flirt,
No... You don't like me too.
I wish you did I know you don't
This is just how you act.
I wish you did, I know you won't...
A cruel, heartbreaking fact.
I want to tell you what I feel,
but I know you don't feel the same...
I blush, and it's just all so real
And you call me by my name.
If I'm right and you don't like me,
And I know that I'm not wrong.
I'm not asking much of you,
Please follow along:
Don't flirt and wink, bump my hip
Call me gorgeous, or make eyes at me.
I don't care how casual this is...
You toying with me.
My heart flutters, and I stutter,
I forget what I meant to say...
I make a joke of no consequence
And quickly walk away.
Today I hugged you tightly,
My head over your heart
I felt it skip a beat
Well, mine didn't restart.
A few seconds after that,
It beat and beat again
Hitting twice as fast
The fastest it's ever been.
My goodness I hope you like me
But I know just as well
There's no way that you do...
My own personal hell.
There's nothing worse in my mind
Than unrequited love
Than this, this casual questioning
I've only heard of.
Every time you hug me, or hold me close,
Or you glance down at my lips
I'll die a little more inside
But it'd hurt more to lose this.

Label

What if we all wore our secrets like badges on our shirts?
What if we wrote them on our foreheads,
Screamed them on the streets?
What if we could just talk about them,
Without fearing judgment or that they would change everything?
What if... what if... what if my past didn't matter?
If people cared, but it didn't change anything.
If people actually empathized, but didn't let it fester.
Why can't I tell everyone what my story is?
Why is this part of me so huge, and so hugely judged?
This is a huge part of me.
For goodness sakes, it's my story, my song.
I want to sing it, write it, read it, tell it.
Of course I know I need to keep something close to my heart.
I know this should be it.
But this is such a huge, huge, huge part of me.
What if we could just wear them like name tags.
"Hello, my name is R, and I have PTSD."
"Hello, my name is ___ and I'm depressed."
"Hello, my name is ___ and I beat depression."
I am more than who I am now. I am less than that if you make me less.
I am me, and entirely myself, and I don't like hiding it.
I will share my story, for now, with those who need it.
With those people who can help me.
With those who I know won't let it change anything.

But if I could wear it as a label...

Midnight

It's the harsh line drawn between yesterday and today.
you're like a perpetual midnight,
without the finality, without the hope of a new day.
You're like the clock freezing as it changed, until suddenly it was 12:01,
You aren't here, and I'm alone.
And I stand here, smiling and moving on, because no one Here knows you.
You're a perpetual ghost.
And it's stupid. I keep reaching for your hand.
Like you would be there the way you were for those two weeks.
Until what was like two years in two weeks ended, and you went home.
Like you would be there for me still.
Two weeks we met, two weeks we talked, two weeks we didn't...
And now you can ignore me, like I ignored the clock skip.
And the power goes out, the clock resets, until someone gets around to fixing it.
And you can skip that minute, and I'll let that go, but in that minute I realize it:
You didn't say goodbye. Not now, not before when you left.
And you leave me again, in this horrible metaphorical sense.
You leave me again, the physical distance to your advantage.
You leave me again, like they always seem to.
Skip the minute like you skipped the goodbye... Coward.
And the power goes out, and it's dark for a minute.
The world is dark, and my heart freezes, and my fingertips go numb.
Hours, and hours, one for every day it took for you to forget me-- a number I'll never know.
And then it's back, so very behind...
And it'll be days until I forget you, because being forgotten is a worse pain...
Being forgotten is the worst heartbreak, because there's no goodbye.
No finality.
An open-ended, never ending blinking clock.
An infinite midnight...
In whose time zone, well... that's up to you, I suppose.