More Than This

It's funny to think about the way people perceive us. I mean, it's funny the way people see us by what we show, assume that's who we are, categorize us, and move on. And there's really nothing new to say on this topic, but what I say is what I feel needs to be said.
Anyone who met me at camp this year would categorize me as some energetic, bubbly, always person. This is who I am for the most part. For the most part I'm optimistic and I don't worry about what every one around me thinks, because all that matters is that they're smiling and that there's happiness. These people may never truly know me, but that's not a problem. I'm fine with them thinking of me as this magically and wonderfully happy person with an unwavering smile.
But then maybe I grow closer to a person, and they're opening up to me. Then I can mellow out, and stop laughing and smiling all the time because I know that this person doesn't really mind if I'm just me. So I'll be much calmer. And when they talk to me seriously, I'll be strong. Because I feel strong. When I'm not alone, that is whether I'm around someone I am closer to or am not at all acquainted with, I am strong. Because that's what I need to be, because that's who I want to be, and for the most part that's who I am. And when I say strong, I mean it in the figurative way.
Then there's this layer of weakness, that few people have ever seen or ever will see. This is the level that confuses those who have seen it. I show the weak but they keep telling me that I'm stronger than I think I am, like under this there's another layer of strength for me to tap into. But after this layer, there's just the empty abyss. I'm not strong at the end of the day, because I don't have to be. I can be strong as long as I'm not the one hurting.
So when people tell me about their struggles, I don't let it show. I don't hurt because they don't need that, but it hurts to see someone in pain. I'm strong though, and I help them up, whether it's just a pretense from my end or not.
So when people say something mean to me, I'll brush it off, but it might sting a bit somewhere deep down.
So when the people who I'm close to neglect me, it stings, but I'm not letting it show.
So when I seem like everything's okay when something's falling apart as it always does, I'm okay. I'm okay until the chaos and whirlwind of everything stops. That's when I'm not okay.

It will always hurt to know that it was something but it's not now. That someday he'll bring another girl home to his mom, and his siblings will take to her like they took to me. And there will be a day when I'm not alone again. And it won't feel the same, and it won't be the same, but it will be what I need. It's weird to think that he's fine when I'm the one hurting, when it was all my decision. It's weird, but it's how things worked out. And I'm not sure where this leaves me, but I'm here, and that's all I can say about that.

More Than This

Esther Day 2012

It's Esther day today. I mean, I didn't know her until she had passed and even now I don't know her at all. But there's still this day in a year that I have to get to know the memories she left behind. From what I've heard, she was an amazing young woman, and I'm sad to know I missed an opportunity to get to know such an amazing woman.

Please read this to get an understanding of what the world lost:
http://fishingboatproceeds.tumblr.com/post/28557373623/everybody-was-told-to-make-a-funny-face-but-i