The People I'm So Far From

You'd think that is would be about distance, that this would be about all the people I miss now that I've been away for a week, but no. This is about time, which might be harsher than distance, and might be more telling, more revealing. Because when you consider the whole thing, the whole idea, when someone's far away, they're still there. Still somewhere, where you can still call them or write them, or you'll see them someday. But with time you forget details, you forget names, and God Forbid you remember much more than the important parts. Time makes it impossible to reach out again, impossible to go back and to ask for forgiveness, to make sure a secret is still a secret, to make sure they know how much they mean to you, meant to you.

These are the people I'm far from, 6 months between us, because I might not see them again. I met these people at a summer camp and I don't think I can close the distance without writing about them.

The boy who looked like Peeta from the Hunger Games, who took the little, oblivious blond boy away from the room when I started to break down. Who I had barely talked to that week, who I had no knowledge of. He understood, he looked at me like he knew exactly what he was doing for him. I don't know if he knew how big my thank you was when he took the boy to bed. And now I want to thank him for how kind he was that week, not only to me but to everyone, and how I should have liked to have known him.

And to the boy who befriended me in the first week. Camp had a funny way of making you be you, of making you just be exactly who you are. So I was broken, but I was happy and bubbly and more outgoing than I thought I could possibly be. And it was easy to be myself, because no one here was faking it, and no one here was mean. And this boy noticed how quiet I was when my friends weren't around, and how hard life was for me. One time I sat alone at a table, no food because the only bad part about camp was how hard it was to eat because I never felt well, and he offered to sit with me so I wouldn't be alone. And his smile and his eyes were soft, despite his slightly hard exterior, and that was new to me. His honest kindness, wholehearted sincerity, and just his kindness throughout the week.

And the counselors who understood when it was all a bit too much when I just had to get out, and the boys who followed me. The boy who didn't want me sitting alone, and the boy who I had known a year and who I love, despite the distance alone between us, and how they chased me out and hugged me until I calmed down. And the boy who had saved me offered for me to wait to perform, and a boy I'd never really even talked to knew my name and offered to let me wait, and so did the counselors, but I went ahead anyways. And I just know that I have a home there no matter what.

And the boy who came from such a different background but befriended me over a shared love of Paramore and a shared friend. And who there's so much to say for, but no words to use.

And the girls- my god, how many friends I made. The girls who asked me if I was seventeen, and asked me if I was dating every one, despite me insisting I have a boyfriend at home.

And the girls I shared my room with, whose secrets I won't share, but who had such incredibly crazy stories involving boys and danger, two of the most dynamic things a girl can have in her life. These girls were my family for a week or two, and I love them and miss them. They were my everything, and I know them like the back of my hand. Maybe it's the whole structure of a camp-- how you're there for such a short time, so you desperately learn everything you can about the people you have.

And the girl who was so sweet, and was so kind to me, and listened to me, who I could talk to about depression and insomnia after camp ended, who snuck into our room after hours.

And then, two last people. The girl who moved into our room the second week, with the kind heart, the voice of an angel, and who was like my little sister for the week. I tried my best to save her camp experience, to make up for her terrible first night, and I think I managed pretty well. Her mom came up and told me that I made the experience amazing for her, that I saved her week. And that feeling was the best feeling I've ever had.

And the boy who made me hug anyone who said the color yellow for a week because I lost a bet. It's more funny than you'd think. He asked the head counselor what color his notepad was, and of course it was yellow. Everyone had figured it out by now, so everyone yelled at me to go up and hug him. Best face ever.

Anyways, I just hope in this new year to learn from the experiences I had at camp and throughout the year, and to be the me that I was able to be at camp.

Love

Rex

Forever and Always

It's A New Year, A New Life

Hey there! You look nice today!

So, we're back to the whole "Parts" format! Woot woot! I hope you had a lovely, joyful, love-filled Christmas, or that you've enjoyed your holiday season! There's one more holiday coming up (which I'll touch on in a minute) so hopefully we'll all make it through this last week of the festive part of year relatively unscathed!

Without further ado, let's jump right into my weekly update!

Part 1: A Week In Review

So this week not much happened. That's a joke. Christmas was last Wednesday, and it was absolutely amazing! We opened presents at around 9:30 in the morning, and then we ate the best thing ever, which was cinnamon buns, and it lovely. Obviously the best thing I got was PJs, which is all I really wanted because of the functionality. My favorite was probably my sister's reaction to what I got her, which was a personalized necklace that says "You Do You", which is her favorite saying. Of course, the most fun part of the day was skiing, which was kind of crazy considering it was literally Christmas day. We went out to dinner, which was lovely, and the whole day was just amazing and fun.

I also did something entirely within my character that should really surprise no one: I nearly concussed myself. I'm not proud of this, but I dropped a chip and then when I stood up I hit my head on the corner of the cabinet I had left open. My sister and I then spent an hour trying to figure out if I was concussed or not, and then my parents got home and decided that I wasn't. Which is good, but on the other hand it really hurt.

Good job, Rex. Good job.

I went to a yoga class on Friday (yesterday) and I really enjoyed it! It was really nice to just breathe and stretch and relax, even if I was the youngest person in the room (no lie). I've decided that I want to start taking classes when I get home, so that'll be lovely!

The only other thing that's happened is that I've been to the tea place in town more times than I care to acknowledge. Which is kind of ridiculous but who really cares? It's good tea!

Part 2: Happy New Year!

So this coming Tuesday is New Year's eve, and that in itself should be exciting, but even more exciting, I think, is the opportunity a new year represents! So this year I plan on doing a few things to help make this year better and more of a growing experience for myself!

First off, me and my friend Lexi (not her real name) and I are making a list of things we want to do in 2014, and we plan on actually doing all of them. I hope to vlog or blog the whole project, so stay tuned for that! I will probably post an update sometime in the future!

Another thing I plan on doing is trying each month to kick a bad habit, or start a good one. The habit I've chosen for January is to make my bed every morning. I was going to make it to clean my room every night, but I'm saving that for February because I'm reorganizing my room when I get back from Utah.

I plan to keep 3 Journals: one that I write in at the end of every day, one to log progress on goals and resolutions, and one for phrases and quotes I like. Additionally, I am going to try and keep a Good Things Jar, where I put at least one good thing to happen to me in the jar a day. I also hope to take more pictures, read more, and stretch more.

Part 3: The Importance of Clear Thinking

There's not much I feel I need to say for myself. But I felt like this might be something to say now. If someone were to meet me after only reading my blog, they might have a certain idea of who I am. But I can't let anyone believe that this is a totally accurate representation. On this blog, I am trying to write in an honest, but very thoughtful way. I try not to swear in excess, I try not to express all my bad ideas as well as my good ones, although there sure are enough embarrassing things on this blog to last me a lifetime. But I think it's good to clarify that one of the things you would notice about me is that I tend to be a bit less appropriate. I tend to talk a bit less maturely, and certainly not as well articulated when I speak in real life. It's really not that I don't want to be this person, the one I can write as in a better vernacular with more intelligent sentences, it's just that it's not what people expect of me.
One thing I think people should be encouraged to do more often is to reflect with an honest mind, and realize behavioral patterns and habits within themselves that they wish to change. I find it easier to change something I don't like about myself, as in something I think is a bad habit or disrespectful, once I've noticed it and think about it and recognize when I am doing it. For example, basing how confident I feel off the way I think people are seeing me. It's strange to think that sometimes I want to leave the house just for the benefit of being seen, of feeling like someone will see me and think that I'm pretty or some other adjective. But of course I know how I look, and I know that I should base how I view myself first and foremost and mainly off how I see myself. However, I see myself in a light now that is reflective of how others see me, which is really silly and ridiculous when you think about it. Of course, I'll know my best friends for years. But that boy in my class who flirts with me but doesn't compliment me? The next time I see him he'll be telling me about the restaurant that he took over from his father. And that girl who compliments my clothing every day, well, as much as I'd like that personal cheerleader every day cheering on my clothing decisions, I won't always have that.
And what I've noticed is that, when I was at camp this summer, people would often compliment me on my character, and how kind I was. And I felt like me, walking around and helping every one and knowing everyone. I could walk up to literally anyone and they'd know me, and they wouldn't mind talking to me, which is something I long for. Being able to go to any one person in that camp, even if I'd never actually talked to them, and know that they knew who I was if only because I'd helped their friend the first day. I miss being able to just go ahead and believe in those around me because they knew me. I want to be that person again, who's just there for everyone. Because that's me.

I'm going to post twice today.

The quote for this week: "Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future." John F. Kennedy

Love you,

Rex

Forever and Always

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Hey there, darling! So this is going to be what my weekly posts will tend to look like! Hopefully this will flow, and make sense, and I can keep this up :)

Part 1: Where I Am? Right Here!

Ha ha, I kid! I'm currently in Utah for winter break, resting pretty well! Today was pretty rough because I'm exhausted, and fatigued, and very very shaky. It's really not so great, but I'm pushing on and plowing forward! I'm really excited right now for blogging, and for the writing I've been doing, and other things I've discovered lately (see below), as well as (drum roll please)... Christmas! This is the first time that we'll celebrate in Utah instead of at home, which is new but alright by me! I'm getting a guaranteed white Christmas, stress free! I haven't skied yet, but I have plans to Tuesday (yes, Christmas Eve!) because my mom and I are splitting a lesson.
Not that I particularly feel like skiing. Strapping on planks of wood and hurtling down a mountain? Oh yeah, totally relaxing! But really, it'll be nice to get back on the mountain!

Sometimes (My Poem To Blogger)

Sometimes I understand you.
Sometimes I really do.
Sometimes I just don't understand
Some things you sometimes do.
Sometimes I really love you
I think that you're inspired
But sometimes I just really hate
The way that you were wired.
Sometimes you serve my purpose
Sometimes not at all.
Sometimes I can I use you,
Sometimes you seem to stall.
I wish you'd cooperate
Every single day
And work when I need you,
And work in the some way.
But I guess change is natural
In every living thing.
But you're not really living,
So why am I suffering?
I'll follow your instructions,
I'll play by your rule books,
But sometimes you just really suck,
But I let you off the hook.
Because I really do love you-
I do, I swear, I do.
But sometimes I just don't know,
Why you do the things you do.
But you're nice, and I can always
Always count on you,
So maybe sometimes I hate you,
But I always love you, too.

What Christmas Is

It's kind of like waking up on a fresh, white winter day,
Like looking out the window, wishing work away,
And running out into the white, smiling the whole way
And making angels in the snow, and stopping there to lay.
It's kind of like hot chocolate, all warm and hot and sweet
Like making friends, then falling for, someone you somehow meet.
Like family stories around the fire, and the smell of burning wood.
And knowing then you feel the way you always new you would.
It's kind of like waking up and smelling winter air,
And breathing in the smells and scents of the world, white and bare.
Like singing songs of Yule-Tide cheer to strangers on the street,
Like sneaking cookies Christmas eve, or baking Santa's treat.
It's kind of like the feeling you get, letting paper tear
And pulling off the ribbons and strings to find what's hidden there.
Like seeing the pure, sincere reaction to a present that you give.
And remembering to be thankful for the life you get to live.
It's kind of like a memory repeated each new year,
Like something new and something old but full of the same cheer.
But most of all it always is the same kind of holiday.
The one you celebrate, then wait, counting every day.
You can listen to the music, the reports, and buy all in,
You can watch the Christmas movies, each one that has been filmed.
But don't base this off of all the things you're told by big show biz-
Love and family, hope and joy-- that's what Christmas is.

Why I Love Autumn:Poems From Elementary School

So these are all autumn poems, written in the styles I learned in- you guessed it- elementary school.

Limerick

The air is filled with crisp, fresh air,

Now I stand on the high school stairs

The first day of school,

I'm feeling so cool,

I stand as tall as I can bear.

(first day of freshmen year).

Haiku

Oranges, yellows, browns

Those vibrant, beautiful reds

The colors of fall.

Namey Thingy

Always brings new air

Unites schools through football

Teaches us the finality of life

Universally beautiful

Majestic

Never a let down

Full of fun

All awesome

Lots of love

Laughs all the time.

Let them fall

Everyday more

All of them

Vibrantly colored

Each flutters down

Still beautiful.

Inherit The Wind

The end of a show, of the process of taking a play, breaking it apart, and putting it all back together, is like a relationship. You meet, you're nervous, and sometimes you don't get it or get in, but sometimes you get that first date- in showbiz, we call that a callback. And sometimes you're right, and it's an instant click, or, in actor's terms, you get the lead. Sometimes, you're needed more than the leads though, because it's a real adventure to have to really get to know someone, or to commit so wholeheartedly to such a role as sitting on stage and reacting for the whole second act. And then there's the dreaded moment when it's real, and you're really in a relationship.

Read: first rehearsal.

You're scared, you don't know how people will be or react, and everything, no matter how many boys or girls or plays there have been, is so new and different, even though it may be nearly the same.

Soon, you're consumed, and all you think about is this person or this play, and this quirk or line. You spend more and more time together, meeting new people, making new friends, becoming a better person. Then, just when you think you know the person, when you think the little quarrels have been nothing, the real test comes: tech week.

The first run is stressful, but you're patient. You know everything will work out, you still want so badly to be there. The second run, that second or whatever huge fight with this person or play, suddenly feels like the world is ending and nothing seems to be right, nothing seems to be ready, nothing seems to work, and you're ready to go. But you stay.

The opening night. You think this is all alright, but here's the secret to it all: it's whatever you make it. Maybe this is the run through or the moment you realize that, truly, this is about far more than you. Maybe you finally understand how it feels to be totally given to something or someone. This show proves to the audience, to the critics, to everyone that you have something to say.

The second show, this is when it all feels real. You'll lose yourself for a moment, caught in the play, convinced that you're really there. But when you take that final bow, lean in for that final kiss... You realize that it's time to let go.

The last show, the last moment. You memorize every intonation, inclination, motion, emotion. You'll never see her laugh like that, speak like that. You'll never see him smile at you inbetween scens, or sing this song with these people on this stage, or see him lose it. You'll never get this moment, this feeling, this specific, exact chance again. Every sound, every breath, every word. One. Final. Time.

Act one is done. Time to tackle the hard part: the real goodbye.

A good actor, a good person, you do it slowly, breathing in this one last time before taking your final bow.

Suddenly, it's gone. The grace period you were promised is gone: there is no slow and easy slide back into "before." This is distinctly "after," and there's no going back.

Suddenly. No more rehearsals or dates, no more running lines or joining lives. Kisses, cues, hugs, costumes. All gone. Tomorrow, you won't see this person, these people, again.

What was a part of your anything is a part of your past, and nothing you say can make it last any longer.

It's not easy, or smooth, or even melancholy. It's a heartbreaking, treacherously terrifying experience because, as my friend so wisely said, with the end of a show comes the fear of never making one again.

There will always be another boy. There can't always be another show.

So you'll remember months from now that line or mannerism, but in years you remember the play as a whole instead.

And it's goodbye.

You'll see it or him or she down the road at some point. You may be happy, or may cry, but never forget: it's always a part of you.

This week my show Inherit the Wind ended, and with it, the directing career of plays at our highschool of our director.

Tonight, our show went out to the man she inherited her job from, who also performed this play, and passed away this last week.

I performed for myself, my director, the cast of my Freshman Play, the people who didn't make it, for those who did, the cast and crew of the 1996 production, and, most importantly, those who lived through the real trial.

Thank you.

Goodnight.

-R

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

It feels terrible, I'll tell you now,

To be so damn in love.

Because he won't listen,

I'm not sure who he's become.

It feels terrible, I assure you too

To want so much to 

Less mean, uptight as he says

I guess, sorry for being me.

I'm sorry for missing you when you don't text

And hating it when you don't call

I'm sorry for missing you right now

Sorry for missing you at all...

Because I could leave right now.

I know you'd notice I was gone...

And I could simply walk away

And I could start moving on.

I don't want to, but I could

I have the strength in me.

I don't want to, but I could.

I'm not sure who you want me to be.

But until you can talk to me

When others are around

And until I get fed up

With waiting on the ground

And until you can wrap your mind

Around this simple fact

It's not okay to not treat me right

This doesn't work like that.

I don't disappear when you don't have time

To be in love with me.

I could disappear right now

Maybe finally you'd see.

You don't ever make me feel

Like you want to be here now.

No matter how many times I try

I can never show you how.

I love you.

I do.

You love me, too.

Maybe you should act like you do.

The Last Time

As I lay down next to him,

As fully clothed as he,

I realized belatedly

It was never meant to be.

His hand lies open next to mine;

But not again will our hands hold

The way that they sure have before

But now we've grown too old.

Maybe we became too different with age,

Or maybe I'm too the same.

Or maybe he moved while I stood still-

I watched him as he changed.

And now I knew as we lay there

As the crickets softely spoke.

I knew he'd not be next to me

When at daybreak I awoke-

Or at least the one that I would see

Lying with me in this field

Would not be who I had loved before

And so my heart cannot be healed.

So I fell asleep alone last night

With my old love by my side

Our pinkies touch but do not connect...

Our worlds will not collide.

So I'll awaken far before he

And watch him as he lie

Sleeping much too peacefully

and feel his loving die.

This is the last time that we'll sleep

The last time that we'll rise

The last time I will hear him breathe

The last I'll see his eyes.

The last time he will say to me

What I always thought he'd do

But now it feels he's lying to me

When he tells me "I love you."

He can say it, repeat it, again- again

And pretend it's what he feels...

But I can't tell if he meant it then

And I can't tell if it's real.

I'll wake him up, he'll drive me home.

He'll kiss my cheek goodbye.

Love- easily understood

But felt? Who know I, but I.

The last time that he'll drive away,

The last time that he'll see

The last time that he'll be this way.

The last time he'll love me.

---------

How terrible to have known a goodbye before even falling asleep.

Rex

Autumn Insecurity (Fall Poems #2)

It kind of feels like letting go,

It feels like things have changed.

I rarely see you anymore,

And that's left me feeling strange.

And correct me if I am wrong,

I don't think I will be...

Last year didn't feel this long,

Or was it really just me?

Because I know what we've discovered

Has grown and changed, that's great

But this year I've uncovered

The truth behind the famed-

The famous rumours spread around

Perpetuated by the press

Books and songs that scream too loud

Of love, so young, addressed.

Stamp it, send it, put it in the mail.

Post your love to me...

It'll arrive faster, albeit stale

Than now, you hold me closely.

But I never hear from you these days,

Can't remember the last time I did.

Feels like we're pulling seperate ways...

You don't care who wins the bid.

But as leaves die and turn to red

You seem to leave me as well

All the words you haven't said

All things I can't ever tell.

You could always just ring me up.

You could send me a letter.

I could never be enough,

You wanted someone better.

That's no self-deprication, my friends

Not when I know it's true.

Even though it feels we near the end

You love me how I love you.

Autumn insecurity.

Takes its evil toll on me.

But, though silly, it's still grounded.

You may fight, it's not unfounded.

I know there's something inbetween,

Pushed between you and me.

Ignore it, promise it's not real.

I know you feel the way I feel.

Go ahead, push it away.

It'll surface another day.

So as I tread on these autumn leaves.

I find my way onto your street.

And as the whole world turns to grey

And night falls over this bland day...

I find myself at your door,

But I can't go there anymore.

You won't answer, or come to me...

You won't answer... You won't see.

I'll stand here on your street alone,

I'll wait until I get too cold,

I'll turn and find my own way home...

You used to walk me. I walk alone.

An Ode to Rain In Autumn (Fall Poems #1)

And it's just like rain on fresh autumn leaves,

The pattern that all of this always weaves.

You cross stitch, knit, crochet your way

And find yourself upon today.

Feel not special, but still do smile,

For it's indeed been quite a while

Since autumn's seen a new creature,

This alarming new midseason feature.

Fallen appendages lie on the ground,

Red and orange foliage scattered around.

From crunchy and crisp, red, juicy, and ripe

To withered and wet and soggy they gripe.

They signify change, I always knew

Something they told that seemed so true.

And they signify difference, none are the same

We are all special, not only by name.

But their color, once precious, vibrant hues

Has faded, the rain did, time did too,

But the water has washed other things too,

And time's weathered for years, and now- you.

You, you new welcomed, you new join us now,

You fall and you grace cross the wet leave mound,

And cover the leaves now a distasteful brown

You change and retouch the dull tint of this town,

For now- before it is sweet winter white

Let it again be a fall-worthy sight.

~    ~    ~

In honor of the weather we are supposed to have tomorrow. In honor of my favorite season of late. The first of my fall poems.

Another.

For every lie that I've been told,

I've tried to tell a truth.

To try and even out the world,

To fix it after you.

For every drama I have to see

Every little white lie I've heard

Things worthy of prime time TV

There's been something I've learned.

The more people drawn into your web,

The more I stand to lose,

The more people to your lies you've said

The less people I'll choose.

Because God knows that I have no proof

That trust ever turns out alright.

Banish those who act aloof-

But I've stopped putting up a fight.

Because I'm done, I'm done

With petty little squabbles,

Petty little quarrels.

I'm done, I'm done.

I'm completely, ultimately done.

Maybe I'll grow underground,

Reach roots through deepbrown soil.

Find a place where no seeds are sown

And let myself turmoil-

For the deep despair now growing there

Is of homeland origin,

And the things I find are now aligned

Are too alike to sin.

Go to now where you were born

And asked what you've done wrong.

For I've been feeling so forlorn,

And I don't think that you've noticed.

So be it if I lose my friends,

At this point I'm sure I will,

But if I'm means to seek an end,

Please- go fast, I'm still.

My roots have taken too deep form

To run along with you,

The tortured soil here is warm

And I'm not sure I want to.

Because having fights is one thing,

But lying is another.

And all the feelings that you bring

Are overshadowed by another.

And another, another, another.

Another.

But I'm done.

Really, I'm just so done.

Suddenly, Blindly, Fearful

Suddenly, Blindly, Fearful

It's frightening and gut-wrenching,
and Fearful and tear-jerking.
It's this crazy, butterfly-inducing
Crazy, mind-whirling,
Stomach-dropping
Overwhelming
Absolutely insane...
Feeling. Thing. Emotion.
Idea, notion,
Motion.
It all comes back to motion,
And relative motion,
And stationary fighting movement
and Emotion, and your emotion.
And this thing that people call love,
A different name to everyone.
I don't feel what you feel,
and the next and the next and the next.
The next is different.
Different...
Different.
This feels different, almost...
Surreal. Liberated. Crazy.
Free.
Epitome of everything I didn't think I'd feel.
It's in the back of my stomach, as I lie on my side
The way I do when you are here,
The way I do when you are not.
The way I do when I miss you,
and when I see you,
and when I feel you, and see you,
And when you're here but not at all.
The phone only drags you so far,
Until somehow you're here.
A semipermeable space between us,
Like the very membranes of the cells
Making this possible.
And the short, brief, contained responses,
Your deceptive nonchalance
Your structured and pointed words
Avoiding wounds.
For there are gaping holes where I
Used to, used to hold my hope.
An evening soured by kin and misunderstanding,
Riddled with confusion and accusation,
And far to twisted, mind-bending,
and it's not enough.
We're dancing this tango, your hand in mine,
Your kiss sweet on my lips,
A slow waltz for the first and last time this evening,
And I feel you guide me until it is suddenly
Interrupted.
       Interrupted.
And broken.
It's this feeling now as I watch you,
Built through, seen through,
Been through. Done too.
I cannot lose you, for I have given you my everything.
And the terror is deep in me, but I push it down for you.
For there is nothing more that I can do,
Than give all of my love to you,
And blindly hope you can find
It in your heart to pay in kind.
For all you have is all I've got,
And I know that it may'nt be a lot,
So if it's not enough for you...
Fate can follow home you too.

Here

I'm not an expert at anything,

I'm young, I'm new, I'm naive.

I'm not the sharpest on the block

And I don't pretend to be.

I'm really not the most clever girl

I repeat back what I hear.

I'm not the brightest you'll ever meet,

Or even in my mirror.

I'll never know the inter-workings

Of infinity or beyond.

I'll never claim to have ever seen

A sky beyond our stars.

I can't say things that might impress

Or make you think I'm smart,

I won't string words together to only

Make you like my heart.

You may think your words are making sense

But you don't know what I see,

I hear the things you try to hide

There's no need to be fake around me.

I won't judge if you show me

Who you truly are

But pretend to be anyone else

And the bets are off by far.

I'm not the sharpest on the block,

nor do I claim to be.

But know no matter what I know,

You can't pull one over on me.

I won't judge, I swear, I really won't

If who you are is true

I won't waste time, just open up

And show me the real you.

No need to deal with subtleties

Masks or grey charades

Call off all your cavalries

And stop your fake parade

I want you without the make up

Or the blonde dye in your hair,

I want you in your day old sweats

Not you in Vanity Fair.

If I could paint a picture of

The girl I know you to be,

Then I would paint it plainly

Until you open up to me.

I swear I cannot judge you,

Because I'm not perfect myself.

I cannot try and sway you,

Because I'm not the best at this.

So be yourself or walk away

The choice is really yours.

But I'll be here today,

And tomorrow, every morn.

Just Another Pissed Off Post

I've been meaning to post. But I showed someone this blog and I don't feel comfortable posting if they're reading. So if HE is, and he knows who he is, he should just... not. Please.

Song of the Post

I'm literally waiting. I'm sitting here, and I'm completely alone. And the thing is, I feel like no matter who comes to talk to me, I won't feel any different. My friends? Sometimes I just can't take them. Because I can't sit here and let everyone around me just worry about themselves. I really do care if you're upset, and I really do care if you're not doing well, but I can tell when you're doing these things for attention. I can really tell when you're not actually hurt. Take a second and ask yourself if whatever it is we're talking about it actually worth a conversation. When my friends come to me with problems, I'm happy to help. The problem is when they just can't seem to care about me at all.

I'm tired of watching my friends pretend to be one thing or another to make themselves more attractive and look smug while doing it. It's not like I can't see straight through whatever crap you're saying, it's not like your actions match your words. I'm just not going to call you on your shit right now because I'm not about to lose another friend.

Because I have a tendency to push people away but, let's be fair here, people are far too self-centered half the time to give a rat's ass about anyone. At all. Ever. At least it feels that way.

I feel stupid saying this, but I've been trying to be a better person recently. Like, actively trying to actually be a better person at all times. Searching out what I'm supposed to learn from anything and everything, and really trying to absorb it all. I'm not going to settle for not being able to do anything. It's stupid that people think they can't do anything about who they are. Seriously. You feel like you need something more? Go and find it. Sitting passively on your ass does nothing for your chances.

The longer you sit here trying to act like a better person the more unhappy you and the people around you will be.

Something else I'm working on? When I'm upset I'm trying not to take it out on the people around me. Because usually they haven't contributed to it. However, not everyone in my life is of the same belief. If something's wrong, say something, work it out, take your time, but if you don't want me to help or whatever, or if you just don't feel like talking to people, please leave me the eff alone.

Like, please. I'll give you the same courtesy?

Whatever.

So next time you're saddling up your high horse and getting your ass situated all nice and pretty and your nose all nice and up in the air, do me a favor and leave me out of it. How you can manage to be a pain in my ass when your head's so far up your own without tasting shit the way I want you to, but consider yourself lucky. At the end of the day, when you remove your cranium from your rectum and you can actually see for once, tell me if reality looks as good in the real world as it does when you're seeing brown. I'd really like to know.

Sorry for the angsty post and the teenage kicks, but I'm putting my foot down on this whole stupid thing. Act like an adult if you want to act like one, otherwise you're kind of off my radar.

And a note to all the boys ruining teenage girls lives and father-daughter relationships everyday: that condom should be over your head not your dick, because if you're going to act like one you should look like one, and you really shouldn't be getting any action anyways. I mean, if you can't even manage to keep your pants up during the day, you sure as hell shouldn't be dropping them at night. Especially at your age.

I mean, ya'll can all eff each other whenever you want. But if there isn't complete and total consent involved and you both aren't completely and totally and honestly ready, and positive in your decision, then I reserve my right to request this change of attire.

Self respect. Self improvement. Do it. This is your chance to really become someone. You're a teenager, and people will forgive you. You're finding yourself. Do it right. And safely.

And if he isn't a dickhead, put the condom where it counts.

So uhm yeah.
Sorry about that.
Told my friend I would stop apologizing for things I say when I mean them. So I guess I shouldn't now.

It's one of the things I'm working on.

Love.

R

"So Gay"

1. Finals are SO GAY.

Uhm... no, they actually aren't. They don't have a sexual preference.

2. Dude, waiting until marriage is SO GAY.

Uh, it's a choice people make based on their personal experience and beliefs. Believe it or not, sex isn't the only fun thing people can do. I know, weird, right? Also, we're children still. We don't have the ability to give consent- just remember that next time you jump into bed with someone, "adult" by your location's standards or not. There's plenty of time for that, why don't you enjoy the time you have now that you don't have to spend worrying about bills and payments. Be a kid, you can grow up when you have to, but be a kid while you can. You'll regret not having this time.

3. You like My Little Pony? That's SO GAY.

My Little Pony is universally regarded as a lovely story about ponies and their lives. Maybe it's a bit strange for a thirty two year old man to watch My Little Pony with his free time, but that just means he's in touch with his feminine side.

4. You like Harry Potter enough to write songs about it? That's SO GAY.

It's funny because you love football enough to spend hours trading players on your fantasy, as in NOT REAL, and you don't see me judging. Hey, have fun with that! It's all good!

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!

Oh. My. Goodness.
Seriously.

Okay. Here we go.

If you're on Facebook, you know how many pictures post every day. I like to think it's because we all know that we often skip over the text and look for the pictures.

BUT WHEN YOU POST A PICTURE, CHECK THE FREAKING BACKGROUND.

It's really not that difficult. I swear...

If you take a picture in a place where things you don't want people to see, CHECK THE BACKGROUND. Even if it's just your bedroom, you know you left a freaking neon pink bra on the floor the other day and, while everyone else will love it, COLLEGES MIGHT SEE THAT BRA. YOU DON'T WANT YOUR FUTURE COLLEGE SEEING THAT.
On the same note, when you take a picture in your bathroom, it's only slightly embarrassing for that cute boy you just friended to see your deodorant, but that tampon on the counter? Yeah. Don't do that.

Also. Check to make sure you can't see through or down your shirt. SERIOUSLY. I've known girls who have accidentally posted pictures where you could see down their shirts, and then they've had to delete their profiles. SERIOUSLY.

ALSO. DON'T TAKE PICTURES IN PUBLIC LOCKER ROOMS. JUST DON'T. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY.

Okay? Okay.

So how was your day?

Forever and Always,
Rex

Well THAT'S Embarrassing...

Let's tell embarrassing stories, shall we! Hmm? Yes? Okay! I'll start! How about that one time I didn't post for an entire month? Oooh, you've already heard that one? What's that, I did that to YOU???
Well this is embarrassing...

Anyway, hello! Why don't we share some actually embarrassing stories?

Story 1: First Impressions

I still maintain that this happened.

When I went to camp (either last year or the year before- I can't remember) one of the guys who had been there the week previously offered to introduce me to his friends (as the girls had, as they always do, shunned me), and I accepted him, thankful someone was going to be nice to me. So he walks me over to his friends and introduces me, and that was lovely, until one of them asked him if I was his girlfriend.
He said yes.
I interrupted and said "Hell no I'm not, but he's pretty cute" (pointing out one of his friends) and then I walked away.
Needless to say, they didn't talk to me the rest of camp...

Story 2: Girl At Home

For those of you who are Taylor Swift fans, you see where this is going...

So I went to this camp over last summer (yes, I know, a lot of camp stories!) and while I was there I met this guy. Don't go "awww"-ing, because I had a boyfriend at the time, and wasn't keen on this new guy in the least. But we soon got to calling eachother "Aloha" because that's how I always greeted him, so we'll call him that from now on. Aloha (who actually lives like forty five minutes away from me...) and I exchanged numbers at the end of camp (because I was NOT aware he may have "liked" me...) and it was all good and fine and great, until he started flirting with me... hardcore. I didn't expect anything from it, kind of brushed it
off, but months later (after stopped flirting with me) I saw a picture of him at dance... with a girl...

HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND. FOR TWO YEARS. TWO FREAKING YEARS.

Needless to say I cut off conversation with him entirely, but I was so embarrassed. HE WAS TRYING TO MAKE ME THE OTHER GIRL. Even if their relationship was going badly, cheating is NEVER the solution! I feel so bad for her but I can't contact her... But still.

Camp this year will be SO awkward if he comes back too...

Anyways! Yeah! I'm under the weather (again) but figure I needed to update anyway, and (just so you know) I swear I'm not only updating because I'm sick! I promise to be better! Once or twice a week- Scout's Honor!

Talk soon!

Forever and Always,
Rex

Cupidity

For once in my life I'm speechless.
I'm too wrapped around you
Pieces blend to pictures
Photos blend to puzzles
Puzzles break and shatter
On perforated lines
Lines that break up pictures
Pictures that are pieces
Of what we are. Or used to be....
Been so too far long
Gone. And not a word to your name
Penniless in way of sentences
Poor for two cents to give
Up and up the charges go
So silence cuts the humidity.
Cupidity.
I feel it, the want and need and
Desire. Cupidity.
Not for you. Innocence is an idea
Not lost on me, not ever, nor on you.
Tight grip on childhood naive ways.
But a cupidity. Fills the air, stops my breath, steams inside the cavity
Of my long aching long awakened chest.
A fragrance I can touch,
A feeling of too much too soon
Too late to change
Too much distance.
Too far but too close
You infringe my boundaries, drawn for my beating life, even from across an ocean
Across a nation
Across a sea.
Cupidity.
The other side of the bed is lonely
My hand is colder and colder
Still no message- not for too long.
I'm tired but awake from all this dancing
Dancing around the room
The room of no space and no life
And no love, for you're so close.
Distance isn't tangible, but I can feel it
I feel it in my veins, because I hear your
Silence silence silence
Ripping and breaking and shattering
Pictures into pieces
Pieces into place
Puzzles start to form
Start to take your place...
Take it back, return it
Penniless wanderer,
Poor senseless wonder,
Squandering life on quantity,
Up and up and up and up
Hot air balloons, and roller coaster rides
Jacking up your pulse instead of me.
Cupidity to just hold you here forever
On the cold side of the bed...
Lonely like my hand, without something
Something to occupy it, like yours.
Gloves and sheets and snow and hearts
Your still fits best.
Cupidity to dissolve into you
Too wrapped up in you
Legs fade together, arms intertwined
Unfathomably tangled, your heart
Indistinguishable from mine.
Eyes closed but seeing all the same
Feeling the pulse rise and fall
Your chest beating against mine
We're pieces, pictures, framed conundrums.
We're photos that are puzzles
We're on the wrong side of right,
Too far gone to realize
Puppy love traded for cupidity.
A dangerous trade for star crossed
Star bound
Star lost...
More than, more then them.
I adore you that much,
But miss you less.
You're here somewhere.
There nowhere.
Piece us together again,
Make a photo, make a picture
Frame me and hang me.
Cupidity for you...
Intangible.
You feel it too I know
But we're star crossed
We're penniless
We're dreamers of words and lines
For lack of a better sermon
We are young, fool hearty meanderers
Follow you to the edge of the earth
Follow me to the depths of the sea
We draw the avenues to the glass
Hidden beneath it all.
It breaks under our minuscule hope
Pieces into to place.
Pieces of pictures of us
We're hopeful
Dreamers
Shattered.
Shattered but the cupidity
Will piece us together eventually.
Follow the boulevards, follow the parkways,
Follow all the roads and pavements back to me.
They're my cookie crumbs, my yellow brick road
You'll find me, clear the humid air,
Satisfy my cupidity.
Eventually.

From Insomnia to Starting

I'm 15. I cannot sleep. I'm not quite sure what to do... When I was younger, I'd go get my mom and we'd sleep in the guest room... When I got older I'd still do that, especially on the nights I couldn't sleep at all. There were a few days I literally just laid there all night, no clue what to do. I didn't want to wake her again because there really was nothing she could have done to fix it. I remember one time not being able to sleep all night, and pulling an all-nighter, and then when my mom woke up (very early as always) I went downstairs. When she asked what I was doing up, I had to inform her that I hadn't gotten any sleep at all that night, and that I had instead read because I couldn't sleep. But I feel kind of tired right now but I just can't seem to settle down enough to sleep, which is really bad because, you know, school. And I have to go because I've just missed SO MUCH already due to illness.
So what does a fifteen year old girl do about not being able to sleep?
Apparently, she blogs.
I've been thinking about writing, and what I can write on this blog, and I have an idea, and I know that I really do want to start blogging daily. I feel like the more I blog the better documented my life is, and it's easier to talk to strangers (or maybe no one) than a blank page in a journal apparently. What's cool is now I have an app for this! So I'll save the capital-S-Serious stuff for paper and pen and go ahead and use this blog to document the soap opera that is life in high school in the silly suburbia in which I live.
15 is kind of a forgotten age I think. I mean, 16 you drive, and fourteen is just kind of a Big Deal, but for those of us who don't celebrate our Quinceneras, 15 is just an age. For me however it feels like the right age to START. Just... Start everything and anything. Blogging every day, or trying to get famous. Because music is what I'm going to do. But it's so frightening to know how far away my dream is. I think about it and imagine scenarios every day, but every minute I wait is a minute wasted. I guess it's time to START.

But where?

Forever and Always,

Rex

(If I can't fall asleep in half an hour, I'll add below here. Otherwise, goodnight!)

Emotions Dump: Worst Week Ever?

So things really have been going down hill, like a snowball (a comparison I'm making due to the massive downfall of snow here in Dullsville, USA. I feel like this town keeps getting smaller and smaller by the inch and the day. And this is the kind of town people have theories about, like that this is where people send (rich) hypocrites. Because there are so many of them here, walking the sidewalks with the children of our town, teaching them how to be little hypocrites just like them. It's how this town breeds.

Anyway, as I said, everything has kind of been... arrrrrrgh. I seriously think the world has kind of been set on this downhill path of destruction. I mean, not only has the YouTube connection in my house been less than satisfactory lately, but also the trains in my area have been doing the thing they do best, which is, unfortunately, not moving. Plus, you know, friend drama.

Obviously, the world is kind of... well, off.

For anyone who happens to be in my school (you wouldn't know it) you might know that I've been sick lately, which is extremely strange in the sense that I've been sick since winter break. Even my math teacher is getting fed up with it. And that's saying something, because he's really pretty chill. But the doctor put meon higher antibiotics, so I guess we'll see how that goes.

A lot of things have changed since I started this blog. Obviously, I'm a high school student now, which is 

totally awesome in my opinion. Not. I mean, the age is lovely, the school? Not so much. Never once did I think I'd be sitting here complaining about my high school experience, if only because Mel is having a somewhat good experience, but, then again, I do like to let everything out here.

Speaking of which, no more Debby Downer, despite how poorly this whole week has gone. I'm just so tired all the time, which I attribute to illness as well as an inability to sleep, which is actually kind of... frustrating. Which was a thing a while ago, but now it's back in an astonishing full force. I love to think that it's because my room's a bit messy, but it's cleaner than it's been in a while. Maybe it's school struggles due to absence, but I've been keeping up on assignments rather well, if I do say so myself, but I also have the whole family thing to worry about. Life is moving far too fast for me to let school tie me down, but the administration can't seem to remember that.

I've talked, or blogged rather, your ears/eyes off, so I guess I should be heading off now.

Good luck in your high school. I think we all know the work will be the death of us.

Forever and Always,

Rex

This Too Shall Pass

Sometimes everything's just too much, and the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and you have nothing to do but try and push it up that hill, knowing full well that it's going to roll back down and chase your sorry derriere all the way back down that slippery slope, because the world can't just let you have dry land to go through your punishment on, but here's the thing: you can't remember what you did to deserve it. Okay, that's not EXACTLY how the myth goes, but that is totally close to it.
The thing I'm trying to say is, it's an uphill battle and as soon as you get to the top, you're falling. And every time you fall, it miraculously just gets taller. And taller. And taller. Until suddenly, you can't even get to the top any more, and suddenly you're this failure because all you have to do in life is solve your problems, and you couldn't even do that right.
But why are these problems here? You can't remember what you did to get this punishment, but here you are rolling this stupid boulder up a stupid, wet mountain, and you don't even know why.
Now imagine this as a metaphor for life.

High school should really be a good place for people to find themselves, but nowadays everyone finds themselves lost in a shuffle of high school. This age old favoritism to the jocks, and this lessening even more so of respect for those not in sports. I feel like high school is like pushing that stupid rock up that stupid hill because a stupid pinhead told us its what we have to do. Push, fall, push, fall, push, fall.... an endless circle because that's how this always goes.

But breaking the cycle is about rising above that punishment, and just making to where you can be happy. People don't realize it but school isn't the only issue teenagers are facing these days, but there's also the whole family and history and friends and first love and first break ups and being used and abused and it's thing called life, but we don't need this pain from school added to that. And so find what you love, find who you love, find where you love, heck fight for it if you have to: go down swinging and go down fighting hard, whether it's for you or your best friend. If you won't take a stand, no one will. If you are too afraid to take a chance, no one will stand with you because you won't give them the opportunity to.

Stand up. Be heard. Be strong. Be persistent, even when that means snapping a few necks (figuratively). But the minute you stop fighting is the minute the boulder starts chasing gravity and chasing you. And one day the boulder will win, but only if you let it, or if it's predestined.

But the view must be great from the top of that high mountain you've built. And imagine watching that boulder roll off the other end, ready from someone else to push it again.

forever and always,
rex

School. It's Like... Yeah.

If anyone wants an idea of how it feels to go to one of the top high schools in the state in which I reside, I'll tell you. It's kind of a story of girl meets school, school sucks, girl meets boy, boy is cute, girl gets sick, school sucks. It's kind of an entirely new vicious cycle. A brand new take on a classic story of school and it's trials.

To start of, I'm in English Honors. Which should mean that I'm in an intelligent class. I'll start with saying that everyone in my class has a rightful place there, and they're all intelligent and comprehend the lessons. Heck, I'd be at their level had I not had the English teacher I had last year, who taught us basically everything.  What really does matter though is how little I learn in that class. I usually will do Math homework during class, or read, or basically do anything but listen. Anyway, a few days ago, someone in my class decided to paint her nails, which was probably the most entertaining thing ever.

On to gym. Allow me to (unjustly) rant about the swim unit (that I never participated in). I didn't participate because a) I was sick and b) the idea of changing into a bathing suit in a locker room full of girls is unnerving and c) the idea of getting into a pool where there are males I don't know and a male teacher standing watch. This unit makes nearly everyone uncomfortable, and only encourages body-related bullying. I mean, is it really THAT much work to make the swim unit not coed? I didn't think so... And even then, girls are brutal to each other. It's never going to be a good idea to put girls into a pool unless they're around people they're comfortable with. In this day and age, girls' weight and appearance matters a lot. I don't have problems with my body so much as showing skin in public.

Side note, I'm sorry this has been a bit depressing lately! I'm trying to change it!

Forever and Always,
Rex

Emotional Dump

Apparently she's always better than me. She does five hours of homework, but I only do an hour, because that's all I had. Apparently she's all that ever matters, because it's always her choice of how loud the music is, or what we're eating. Everything is about her- her life, my life (or at least it's apparently supposed to be), my mom's life. It's all my mom thinks about now, and it's all she can worry about. What do I really matter right now? Because (apparently) nothing.

Hi, I'm Rex. I haven't slept well in five days.

This is where you say Hi Rex in a monotone even that guy from Ferris Bueller cannot achieve.

I understand that she has a lot on her own plate, but she's kind of been very... narrow minded today, if you understand what I'm saying. It's not something she can help, but it'd be nice for once for someone to actually care about me. Or wonder about how I'm doing and, here's a novel idea, actually care. She does this, but on her time. She's a real fair weather sister (on her end) but I need dependability.

Next, the juniors in one of my classes, while very nice regularly, have taken to assuming I'm incorrect at all times, or that the points I bring up are invalid. One of my group members will talk over me while the other ignores me at any one time. Here's the kicker: one of them is my sister's best friend. At first he seemed like an insanely lovely person, but he's slowly evolving into (yet another) school centered, I-am-always-right-and-always-will-be attitude. And that's fine, when it doesn't involve a high horse, or hurting others. Maybe it's just a school setting, but I'm still stuck on the fact that, when he seems like the perfect boy, I can't seem to get on his good side.

I mean, come on. I may be younger than them, or seemingly less experienced, but if they could look past their own minds, maybe they'd see that I can do a lot of the things they ask me to do, I actually CAN play my instrument, so don't assume that since I'm in the lower band I can't. And maybe, for once, someone will look at me and see me long enough to start to care about me.

Is it just me? Am I just not someone people want to care about? Because it's been a lot of years and I still feel like there's this film separating me from everyone. I'm not the girl people fall over themselves to help in the hall, or who stand up for me when someone's not being the nicest person. I don't make fast friends, and I have trouble making close friends. Because of my past, and now because of my present, I can't trust anyone.

My mom forgets everything a minute after I say, for one because she doesn't have the mind to care, and two, because I never have anything interesting to say. Sissy has her mind on other things, so I guess I'll take the back burner, despite everything I'm going through. And that Junior may seem like a perfect person, but obviously I rub him the wrong way. We used to be on good terms but he's judging a book by it's cover. It may seem like I'm doing the same, but I've known him for a few months. Trust me, he's in a better place now  than before, so I think he could afford to be a bit more understanding.

Maybe I'm just unlikable.
Maybe I'm just sincerely unbearable.
Maybe I'm just not at all a lovely person.
Maybe I'll one day be able to say that and believe it, because, while I'm not the best at social skills, there has to be someone out there who cares about me. I can think of two or three people. I guess this is more a complaint about my family.

Can't live with them, can't live without em.

Forever and Always,
Rex