yeah. we broke up.

It's a sad day when you wake up and realize the boy you thought you loved is someone you made up as you looked at him through rose coloured glasses, and that the little things you used to pass off as one time things are the worst character flaws he could have.

New Found Love for the Beautifully Destructive

And somehow it turns around again, so that I'm alone again, left with the books and the songs that only I would listen to because they're too depressing for someone else to bear, as Alex hikes and Lexi ignores every fiber of my being for whatever reason, whether it be her phone or something else, and I sit here. When the relationship with A first started I told him I hated storms, and much preferred a light sprinkle, but he told me the thrill he got of the skies opening, and I thought he was insane. You know, how can you like something  so beautifully destructive? And weeks ago at the beginning of the summer, I was anxious for the rain. I wanted it. And a friend pointed out that he loves storms too, and I was once again confused. And today he's upset because it altered his once high chances at a state qualification for swimming. It's such a minuscule thing, but I'm sitting here alone and the rain is the only I have. It's here and beats downs at a constant rhythm on the already soaked pavement and I'm not okay. I'm never okay, but what's okay anyway? Is okay being able to smile, because I can do that. Being able to ignore the past long enough to enjoy the present and believe in the future? I don't know what okay is, but I know this isn't it. And the thing is I won't be okay in the future because A won't be here to make it okay, because he'll be off at school for months at a time, having the time of his life while I manage. I'll manage to get up in the morning. I'll manage to make friends, whether they know me or not. I'll manage to hold on until I'm home, and safe, in this corner of the (currently rain soaked) world. Hey, I've managed that once before, but, hey, that was before I had someone let me do that with them. That was before I had someone to hold me in their arms when I fell apart. That was before I became the strong one by default and held three people up by myself for months on end. It was all before, but at the same time it was after. After the fact and after it ended and just all around after.

So it's hard to say if the rain is here to punish me, or if it's repaying what it's indebted us. Because the dry spell felt wrong, this sunshine happy facade set up by the world to make summer seem like the best thing that ever happened to me, but at the same time it made the summer unbearable. I deserve a day of downpour, of lightning and destruction and thunder, because all the seven months ago, Andrew chose me, and he found himself wrapped up in a beautifully destructive mess, and I owe it to him to just bear down and live through what I'm sure will be a fun filled and somewhat barely tolerable (Pride and Prejudice, anyone?) few years.

It's raining so hard there's a thick cover of little water dots on my computer screen. No joke. Because I'm outside.

Sorry to dump this all on you, but to be fair the sky is doing some serious dumping right now, so... I guess we're even. I'll post a lighthearted post right now. Promise. But this just made me feel better.

Love,
Forever and Always,
R

Famous People Actually Exist... Or Something

My sister has this dance she's prepared for seeing famous people. If this surprises you, you must be new. It's okay. You'll understand eventually. She didn't need to use this dance the entire time we were in California, but once we got on the plane? Yeah, some dancing went down.