Actions Speak Louder Than Words

It feels terrible, I'll tell you now,

To be so damn in love.

Because he won't listen,

I'm not sure who he's become.

It feels terrible, I assure you too

To want so much to 

Less mean, uptight as he says

I guess, sorry for being me.

I'm sorry for missing you when you don't text

And hating it when you don't call

I'm sorry for missing you right now

Sorry for missing you at all...

Because I could leave right now.

I know you'd notice I was gone...

And I could simply walk away

And I could start moving on.

I don't want to, but I could

I have the strength in me.

I don't want to, but I could.

I'm not sure who you want me to be.

But until you can talk to me

When others are around

And until I get fed up

With waiting on the ground

And until you can wrap your mind

Around this simple fact

It's not okay to not treat me right

This doesn't work like that.

I don't disappear when you don't have time

To be in love with me.

I could disappear right now

Maybe finally you'd see.

You don't ever make me feel

Like you want to be here now.

No matter how many times I try

I can never show you how.

I love you.

I do.

You love me, too.

Maybe you should act like you do.

The Last Time

As I lay down next to him,

As fully clothed as he,

I realized belatedly

It was never meant to be.

His hand lies open next to mine;

But not again will our hands hold

The way that they sure have before

But now we've grown too old.

Maybe we became too different with age,

Or maybe I'm too the same.

Or maybe he moved while I stood still-

I watched him as he changed.

And now I knew as we lay there

As the crickets softely spoke.

I knew he'd not be next to me

When at daybreak I awoke-

Or at least the one that I would see

Lying with me in this field

Would not be who I had loved before

And so my heart cannot be healed.

So I fell asleep alone last night

With my old love by my side

Our pinkies touch but do not connect...

Our worlds will not collide.

So I'll awaken far before he

And watch him as he lie

Sleeping much too peacefully

and feel his loving die.

This is the last time that we'll sleep

The last time that we'll rise

The last time I will hear him breathe

The last I'll see his eyes.

The last time he will say to me

What I always thought he'd do

But now it feels he's lying to me

When he tells me "I love you."

He can say it, repeat it, again- again

And pretend it's what he feels...

But I can't tell if he meant it then

And I can't tell if it's real.

I'll wake him up, he'll drive me home.

He'll kiss my cheek goodbye.

Love- easily understood

But felt? Who know I, but I.

The last time that he'll drive away,

The last time that he'll see

The last time that he'll be this way.

The last time he'll love me.

---------

How terrible to have known a goodbye before even falling asleep.

Rex

Autumn Insecurity (Fall Poems #2)

It kind of feels like letting go,

It feels like things have changed.

I rarely see you anymore,

And that's left me feeling strange.

And correct me if I am wrong,

I don't think I will be...

Last year didn't feel this long,

Or was it really just me?

Because I know what we've discovered

Has grown and changed, that's great

But this year I've uncovered

The truth behind the famed-

The famous rumours spread around

Perpetuated by the press

Books and songs that scream too loud

Of love, so young, addressed.

Stamp it, send it, put it in the mail.

Post your love to me...

It'll arrive faster, albeit stale

Than now, you hold me closely.

But I never hear from you these days,

Can't remember the last time I did.

Feels like we're pulling seperate ways...

You don't care who wins the bid.

But as leaves die and turn to red

You seem to leave me as well

All the words you haven't said

All things I can't ever tell.

You could always just ring me up.

You could send me a letter.

I could never be enough,

You wanted someone better.

That's no self-deprication, my friends

Not when I know it's true.

Even though it feels we near the end

You love me how I love you.

Autumn insecurity.

Takes its evil toll on me.

But, though silly, it's still grounded.

You may fight, it's not unfounded.

I know there's something inbetween,

Pushed between you and me.

Ignore it, promise it's not real.

I know you feel the way I feel.

Go ahead, push it away.

It'll surface another day.

So as I tread on these autumn leaves.

I find my way onto your street.

And as the whole world turns to grey

And night falls over this bland day...

I find myself at your door,

But I can't go there anymore.

You won't answer, or come to me...

You won't answer... You won't see.

I'll stand here on your street alone,

I'll wait until I get too cold,

I'll turn and find my own way home...

You used to walk me. I walk alone.

An Ode to Rain In Autumn (Fall Poems #1)

And it's just like rain on fresh autumn leaves,

The pattern that all of this always weaves.

You cross stitch, knit, crochet your way

And find yourself upon today.

Feel not special, but still do smile,

For it's indeed been quite a while

Since autumn's seen a new creature,

This alarming new midseason feature.

Fallen appendages lie on the ground,

Red and orange foliage scattered around.

From crunchy and crisp, red, juicy, and ripe

To withered and wet and soggy they gripe.

They signify change, I always knew

Something they told that seemed so true.

And they signify difference, none are the same

We are all special, not only by name.

But their color, once precious, vibrant hues

Has faded, the rain did, time did too,

But the water has washed other things too,

And time's weathered for years, and now- you.

You, you new welcomed, you new join us now,

You fall and you grace cross the wet leave mound,

And cover the leaves now a distasteful brown

You change and retouch the dull tint of this town,

For now- before it is sweet winter white

Let it again be a fall-worthy sight.

~    ~    ~

In honor of the weather we are supposed to have tomorrow. In honor of my favorite season of late. The first of my fall poems.

Another.

For every lie that I've been told,

I've tried to tell a truth.

To try and even out the world,

To fix it after you.

For every drama I have to see

Every little white lie I've heard

Things worthy of prime time TV

There's been something I've learned.

The more people drawn into your web,

The more I stand to lose,

The more people to your lies you've said

The less people I'll choose.

Because God knows that I have no proof

That trust ever turns out alright.

Banish those who act aloof-

But I've stopped putting up a fight.

Because I'm done, I'm done

With petty little squabbles,

Petty little quarrels.

I'm done, I'm done.

I'm completely, ultimately done.

Maybe I'll grow underground,

Reach roots through deepbrown soil.

Find a place where no seeds are sown

And let myself turmoil-

For the deep despair now growing there

Is of homeland origin,

And the things I find are now aligned

Are too alike to sin.

Go to now where you were born

And asked what you've done wrong.

For I've been feeling so forlorn,

And I don't think that you've noticed.

So be it if I lose my friends,

At this point I'm sure I will,

But if I'm means to seek an end,

Please- go fast, I'm still.

My roots have taken too deep form

To run along with you,

The tortured soil here is warm

And I'm not sure I want to.

Because having fights is one thing,

But lying is another.

And all the feelings that you bring

Are overshadowed by another.

And another, another, another.

Another.

But I'm done.

Really, I'm just so done.

Suddenly, Blindly, Fearful

Suddenly, Blindly, Fearful

It's frightening and gut-wrenching,
and Fearful and tear-jerking.
It's this crazy, butterfly-inducing
Crazy, mind-whirling,
Stomach-dropping
Overwhelming
Absolutely insane...
Feeling. Thing. Emotion.
Idea, notion,
Motion.
It all comes back to motion,
And relative motion,
And stationary fighting movement
and Emotion, and your emotion.
And this thing that people call love,
A different name to everyone.
I don't feel what you feel,
and the next and the next and the next.
The next is different.
Different...
Different.
This feels different, almost...
Surreal. Liberated. Crazy.
Free.
Epitome of everything I didn't think I'd feel.
It's in the back of my stomach, as I lie on my side
The way I do when you are here,
The way I do when you are not.
The way I do when I miss you,
and when I see you,
and when I feel you, and see you,
And when you're here but not at all.
The phone only drags you so far,
Until somehow you're here.
A semipermeable space between us,
Like the very membranes of the cells
Making this possible.
And the short, brief, contained responses,
Your deceptive nonchalance
Your structured and pointed words
Avoiding wounds.
For there are gaping holes where I
Used to, used to hold my hope.
An evening soured by kin and misunderstanding,
Riddled with confusion and accusation,
And far to twisted, mind-bending,
and it's not enough.
We're dancing this tango, your hand in mine,
Your kiss sweet on my lips,
A slow waltz for the first and last time this evening,
And I feel you guide me until it is suddenly
Interrupted.
       Interrupted.
And broken.
It's this feeling now as I watch you,
Built through, seen through,
Been through. Done too.
I cannot lose you, for I have given you my everything.
And the terror is deep in me, but I push it down for you.
For there is nothing more that I can do,
Than give all of my love to you,
And blindly hope you can find
It in your heart to pay in kind.
For all you have is all I've got,
And I know that it may'nt be a lot,
So if it's not enough for you...
Fate can follow home you too.