I'm 15. I cannot sleep. I'm not quite sure what to do... When I was younger, I'd go get my mom and we'd sleep in the guest room... When I got older I'd still do that, especially on the nights I couldn't sleep at all. There were a few days I literally just laid there all night, no clue what to do. I didn't want to wake her again because there really was nothing she could have done to fix it. I remember one time not being able to sleep all night, and pulling an all-nighter, and then when my mom woke up (very early as always) I went downstairs. When she asked what I was doing up, I had to inform her that I hadn't gotten any sleep at all that night, and that I had instead read because I couldn't sleep. But I feel kind of tired right now but I just can't seem to settle down enough to sleep, which is really bad because, you know, school. And I have to go because I've just missed SO MUCH already due to illness.
So what does a fifteen year old girl do about not being able to sleep?
Apparently, she blogs.
I've been thinking about writing, and what I can write on this blog, and I have an idea, and I know that I really do want to start blogging daily. I feel like the more I blog the better documented my life is, and it's easier to talk to strangers (or maybe no one) than a blank page in a journal apparently. What's cool is now I have an app for this! So I'll save the capital-S-Serious stuff for paper and pen and go ahead and use this blog to document the soap opera that is life in high school in the silly suburbia in which I live.
15 is kind of a forgotten age I think. I mean, 16 you drive, and fourteen is just kind of a Big Deal, but for those of us who don't celebrate our Quinceneras, 15 is just an age. For me however it feels like the right age to START. Just... Start everything and anything. Blogging every day, or trying to get famous. Because music is what I'm going to do. But it's so frightening to know how far away my dream is. I think about it and imagine scenarios every day, but every minute I wait is a minute wasted. I guess it's time to START.
But where?
Forever and Always,
Rex
(If I can't fall asleep in half an hour, I'll add below here. Otherwise, goodnight!)
Tuesday 26 February 2013
Emotions Dump: Worst Week Ever?
So things really have been going down hill, like a snowball (a comparison I'm making due to the massive downfall of snow here in Dullsville, USA. I feel like this town keeps getting smaller and smaller by the inch and the day. And this is the kind of town people have theories about, like that this is where people send (rich) hypocrites. Because there are so many of them here, walking the sidewalks with the children of our town, teaching them how to be little hypocrites just like them. It's how this town breeds.
Anyway, as I said, everything has kind of been... arrrrrrgh. I seriously think the world has kind of been set on this downhill path of destruction. I mean, not only has the YouTube connection in my house been less than satisfactory lately, but also the trains in my area have been doing the thing they do best, which is, unfortunately, not moving. Plus, you know, friend drama.
Obviously, the world is kind of... well, off.
For anyone who happens to be in my school (you wouldn't know it) you might know that I've been sick lately, which is extremely strange in the sense that I've been sick since winter break. Even my math teacher is getting fed up with it. And that's saying something, because he's really pretty chill. But the doctor put meon higher antibiotics, so I guess we'll see how that goes.
A lot of things have changed since I started this blog. Obviously, I'm a high school student now, which is
totally awesome in my opinion. Not. I mean, the age is lovely, the school? Not so much. Never once did I think I'd be sitting here complaining about my high school experience, if only because Mel is having a somewhat good experience, but, then again, I do like to let everything out here.
Speaking of which, no more Debby Downer, despite how poorly this whole week has gone. I'm just so tired all the time, which I attribute to illness as well as an inability to sleep, which is actually kind of... frustrating. Which was a thing a while ago, but now it's back in an astonishing full force. I love to think that it's because my room's a bit messy, but it's cleaner than it's been in a while. Maybe it's school struggles due to absence, but I've been keeping up on assignments rather well, if I do say so myself, but I also have the whole family thing to worry about. Life is moving far too fast for me to let school tie me down, but the administration can't seem to remember that.
I've talked, or blogged rather, your ears/eyes off, so I guess I should be heading off now.
Good luck in your high school. I think we all know the work will be the death of us.
Forever and Always,
Rex
Friday 22 February 2013
This Too Shall Pass
Sometimes everything's just too much, and the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and you have nothing to do but try and push it up that hill, knowing full well that it's going to roll back down and chase your sorry derriere all the way back down that slippery slope, because the world can't just let you have dry land to go through your punishment on, but here's the thing: you can't remember what you did to deserve it. Okay, that's not EXACTLY how the myth goes, but that is totally close to it.
The thing I'm trying to say is, it's an uphill battle and as soon as you get to the top, you're falling. And every time you fall, it miraculously just gets taller. And taller. And taller. Until suddenly, you can't even get to the top any more, and suddenly you're this failure because all you have to do in life is solve your problems, and you couldn't even do that right.
But why are these problems here? You can't remember what you did to get this punishment, but here you are rolling this stupid boulder up a stupid, wet mountain, and you don't even know why.
Now imagine this as a metaphor for life.
High school should really be a good place for people to find themselves, but nowadays everyone finds themselves lost in a shuffle of high school. This age old favoritism to the jocks, and this lessening even more so of respect for those not in sports. I feel like high school is like pushing that stupid rock up that stupid hill because a stupid pinhead told us its what we have to do. Push, fall, push, fall, push, fall.... an endless circle because that's how this always goes.
But breaking the cycle is about rising above that punishment, and just making to where you can be happy. People don't realize it but school isn't the only issue teenagers are facing these days, but there's also the whole family and history and friends and first love and first break ups and being used and abused and it's thing called life, but we don't need this pain from school added to that. And so find what you love, find who you love, find where you love, heck fight for it if you have to: go down swinging and go down fighting hard, whether it's for you or your best friend. If you won't take a stand, no one will. If you are too afraid to take a chance, no one will stand with you because you won't give them the opportunity to.
Stand up. Be heard. Be strong. Be persistent, even when that means snapping a few necks (figuratively). But the minute you stop fighting is the minute the boulder starts chasing gravity and chasing you. And one day the boulder will win, but only if you let it, or if it's predestined.
But the view must be great from the top of that high mountain you've built. And imagine watching that boulder roll off the other end, ready from someone else to push it again.
forever and always,
rex
The thing I'm trying to say is, it's an uphill battle and as soon as you get to the top, you're falling. And every time you fall, it miraculously just gets taller. And taller. And taller. Until suddenly, you can't even get to the top any more, and suddenly you're this failure because all you have to do in life is solve your problems, and you couldn't even do that right.
But why are these problems here? You can't remember what you did to get this punishment, but here you are rolling this stupid boulder up a stupid, wet mountain, and you don't even know why.
Now imagine this as a metaphor for life.
High school should really be a good place for people to find themselves, but nowadays everyone finds themselves lost in a shuffle of high school. This age old favoritism to the jocks, and this lessening even more so of respect for those not in sports. I feel like high school is like pushing that stupid rock up that stupid hill because a stupid pinhead told us its what we have to do. Push, fall, push, fall, push, fall.... an endless circle because that's how this always goes.
But breaking the cycle is about rising above that punishment, and just making to where you can be happy. People don't realize it but school isn't the only issue teenagers are facing these days, but there's also the whole family and history and friends and first love and first break ups and being used and abused and it's thing called life, but we don't need this pain from school added to that. And so find what you love, find who you love, find where you love, heck fight for it if you have to: go down swinging and go down fighting hard, whether it's for you or your best friend. If you won't take a stand, no one will. If you are too afraid to take a chance, no one will stand with you because you won't give them the opportunity to.
Stand up. Be heard. Be strong. Be persistent, even when that means snapping a few necks (figuratively). But the minute you stop fighting is the minute the boulder starts chasing gravity and chasing you. And one day the boulder will win, but only if you let it, or if it's predestined.
But the view must be great from the top of that high mountain you've built. And imagine watching that boulder roll off the other end, ready from someone else to push it again.
forever and always,
rex
Thursday 21 February 2013
School. It's Like... Yeah.
If anyone wants an idea of how it feels to go to one of the top high schools in the state in which I reside, I'll tell you. It's kind of a story of girl meets school, school sucks, girl meets boy, boy is cute, girl gets sick, school sucks. It's kind of an entirely new vicious cycle. A brand new take on a classic story of school and it's trials.
To start of, I'm in English Honors. Which should mean that I'm in an intelligent class. I'll start with saying that everyone in my class has a rightful place there, and they're all intelligent and comprehend the lessons. Heck, I'd be at their level had I not had the English teacher I had last year, who taught us basically everything. What really does matter though is how little I learn in that class. I usually will do Math homework during class, or read, or basically do anything but listen. Anyway, a few days ago, someone in my class decided to paint her nails, which was probably the most entertaining thing ever.
On to gym. Allow me to (unjustly) rant about the swim unit (that I never participated in). I didn't participate because a) I was sick and b) the idea of changing into a bathing suit in a locker room full of girls is unnerving and c) the idea of getting into a pool where there are males I don't know and a male teacher standing watch. This unit makes nearly everyone uncomfortable, and only encourages body-related bullying. I mean, is it really THAT much work to make the swim unit not coed? I didn't think so... And even then, girls are brutal to each other. It's never going to be a good idea to put girls into a pool unless they're around people they're comfortable with. In this day and age, girls' weight and appearance matters a lot. I don't have problems with my body so much as showing skin in public.
Side note, I'm sorry this has been a bit depressing lately! I'm trying to change it!
Forever and Always,
Rex
To start of, I'm in English Honors. Which should mean that I'm in an intelligent class. I'll start with saying that everyone in my class has a rightful place there, and they're all intelligent and comprehend the lessons. Heck, I'd be at their level had I not had the English teacher I had last year, who taught us basically everything. What really does matter though is how little I learn in that class. I usually will do Math homework during class, or read, or basically do anything but listen. Anyway, a few days ago, someone in my class decided to paint her nails, which was probably the most entertaining thing ever.
On to gym. Allow me to (unjustly) rant about the swim unit (that I never participated in). I didn't participate because a) I was sick and b) the idea of changing into a bathing suit in a locker room full of girls is unnerving and c) the idea of getting into a pool where there are males I don't know and a male teacher standing watch. This unit makes nearly everyone uncomfortable, and only encourages body-related bullying. I mean, is it really THAT much work to make the swim unit not coed? I didn't think so... And even then, girls are brutal to each other. It's never going to be a good idea to put girls into a pool unless they're around people they're comfortable with. In this day and age, girls' weight and appearance matters a lot. I don't have problems with my body so much as showing skin in public.
Side note, I'm sorry this has been a bit depressing lately! I'm trying to change it!
Forever and Always,
Rex
Emotional Dump
Apparently she's always better than me. She does five hours of homework, but I only do an hour, because that's all I had. Apparently she's all that ever matters, because it's always her choice of how loud the music is, or what we're eating. Everything is about her- her life, my life (or at least it's apparently supposed to be), my mom's life. It's all my mom thinks about now, and it's all she can worry about. What do I really matter right now? Because (apparently) nothing.
Hi, I'm Rex. I haven't slept well in five days.
This is where you say Hi Rex in a monotone even that guy from Ferris Bueller cannot achieve.
I understand that she has a lot on her own plate, but she's kind of been very... narrow minded today, if you understand what I'm saying. It's not something she can help, but it'd be nice for once for someone to actually care about me. Or wonder about how I'm doing and, here's a novel idea, actually care. She does this, but on her time. She's a real fair weather sister (on her end) but I need dependability.
Next, the juniors in one of my classes, while very nice regularly, have taken to assuming I'm incorrect at all times, or that the points I bring up are invalid. One of my group members will talk over me while the other ignores me at any one time. Here's the kicker: one of them is my sister's best friend. At first he seemed like an insanely lovely person, but he's slowly evolving into (yet another) school centered, I-am-always-right-and-always-will-be attitude. And that's fine, when it doesn't involve a high horse, or hurting others. Maybe it's just a school setting, but I'm still stuck on the fact that, when he seems like the perfect boy, I can't seem to get on his good side.
I mean, come on. I may be younger than them, or seemingly less experienced, but if they could look past their own minds, maybe they'd see that I can do a lot of the things they ask me to do, I actually CAN play my instrument, so don't assume that since I'm in the lower band I can't. And maybe, for once, someone will look at me and see me long enough to start to care about me.
Is it just me? Am I just not someone people want to care about? Because it's been a lot of years and I still feel like there's this film separating me from everyone. I'm not the girl people fall over themselves to help in the hall, or who stand up for me when someone's not being the nicest person. I don't make fast friends, and I have trouble making close friends. Because of my past, and now because of my present, I can't trust anyone.
My mom forgets everything a minute after I say, for one because she doesn't have the mind to care, and two, because I never have anything interesting to say. Sissy has her mind on other things, so I guess I'll take the back burner, despite everything I'm going through. And that Junior may seem like a perfect person, but obviously I rub him the wrong way. We used to be on good terms but he's judging a book by it's cover. It may seem like I'm doing the same, but I've known him for a few months. Trust me, he's in a better place now than before, so I think he could afford to be a bit more understanding.
Maybe I'm just unlikable.
Maybe I'm just sincerely unbearable.
Maybe I'm just not at all a lovely person.
Maybe I'll one day be able to say that and believe it, because, while I'm not the best at social skills, there has to be someone out there who cares about me. I can think of two or three people. I guess this is more a complaint about my family.
Can't live with them, can't live without em.
Forever and Always,
Rex
Hi, I'm Rex. I haven't slept well in five days.
This is where you say Hi Rex in a monotone even that guy from Ferris Bueller cannot achieve.
I understand that she has a lot on her own plate, but she's kind of been very... narrow minded today, if you understand what I'm saying. It's not something she can help, but it'd be nice for once for someone to actually care about me. Or wonder about how I'm doing and, here's a novel idea, actually care. She does this, but on her time. She's a real fair weather sister (on her end) but I need dependability.
Next, the juniors in one of my classes, while very nice regularly, have taken to assuming I'm incorrect at all times, or that the points I bring up are invalid. One of my group members will talk over me while the other ignores me at any one time. Here's the kicker: one of them is my sister's best friend. At first he seemed like an insanely lovely person, but he's slowly evolving into (yet another) school centered, I-am-always-right-and-always-will-be attitude. And that's fine, when it doesn't involve a high horse, or hurting others. Maybe it's just a school setting, but I'm still stuck on the fact that, when he seems like the perfect boy, I can't seem to get on his good side.
I mean, come on. I may be younger than them, or seemingly less experienced, but if they could look past their own minds, maybe they'd see that I can do a lot of the things they ask me to do, I actually CAN play my instrument, so don't assume that since I'm in the lower band I can't. And maybe, for once, someone will look at me and see me long enough to start to care about me.
Is it just me? Am I just not someone people want to care about? Because it's been a lot of years and I still feel like there's this film separating me from everyone. I'm not the girl people fall over themselves to help in the hall, or who stand up for me when someone's not being the nicest person. I don't make fast friends, and I have trouble making close friends. Because of my past, and now because of my present, I can't trust anyone.
My mom forgets everything a minute after I say, for one because she doesn't have the mind to care, and two, because I never have anything interesting to say. Sissy has her mind on other things, so I guess I'll take the back burner, despite everything I'm going through. And that Junior may seem like a perfect person, but obviously I rub him the wrong way. We used to be on good terms but he's judging a book by it's cover. It may seem like I'm doing the same, but I've known him for a few months. Trust me, he's in a better place now than before, so I think he could afford to be a bit more understanding.
Maybe I'm just unlikable.
Maybe I'm just sincerely unbearable.
Maybe I'm just not at all a lovely person.
Maybe I'll one day be able to say that and believe it, because, while I'm not the best at social skills, there has to be someone out there who cares about me. I can think of two or three people. I guess this is more a complaint about my family.
Can't live with them, can't live without em.
Forever and Always,
Rex
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