NOW! Onto the post.
Yes, I know that I've been kind of obsessive about being single and keeping you updated, but that's because I'm feeling pretty amazing about it. I know now what I haven't known since I had my first boyfriend: I am strong, and I am independent, and I am complete without anyone. All my life love has been defined to me as finding someone who completes me, who I can't live without because they make me whole. This arcane kind of love is completely and totally plebeian. Because yes, that's fine for a while, but what about when you start fighting, or your relationship ends... I never want to come out of a relationship unable to stand on my own.
Saying goodbye is hard, and only made harder when the person is so without a doubt important to you that you cannot possible handle letting go of them. But I know now that strength isn't suffering in silence, but rather is having the courage to demand the respect I deserve. And I know that I shouldn't have to forget about wrong doings time and time again, and forgive the millions of insensitive things people say because I'm worried to speak up. No, I'm done, throwing myself under the bridge because I think that the crash will be worse. I've found however that I'd rather burn out in a spectacular supernova of stellar, white-hot fire. Having the air squeezed out me by water pressure, choking on the river... That's no way to go, even if it means martyrdom. That's over rated. I won't risk my life for the weak, but I will for those who really just can't help themselves.
Being single isn't the absence of a boyfriend. No, it's having the ability to stand up for yourself when there's no one telling you to. I don't need a boy to tell me that I'm pretty because I know that I'm beautiful just the way I am, no matter what other people think. I don't particularly care if boys like me, or if anyone finds me attractive, because I don't have to live with their opinions for the rest of my life. No, I don't. So whatever others think, it doesn't matter to me.
EXCEPTION: people who I really care about.
EXAMPLE: I've begun giving people cards. Like, I'll have a conversation with someone and if it's something that really means something to them, I'll find a quote I think that they'll really enjoy I give it to them on a card to cheer them up, or make them think. I made one for someone over the weekend, but I'm not sure if he'll appreciate it, or if he'll think that it's weird or creepy. I want to give it to him, but I go back and forth every time I almost do. I don't want to scare him off, because I want to be cost to him, I want to be his friend. I want to support him.
No, being single isn't the absence of a boyfriend. My hiatus from the hell that is high school dating isn't equivalent to me crying over ice cream on Friday nights, lonely because I don't have anyone to go on a date with. Dates? So overrated. Best friends? So UNDERrated. I never want people to think that I am running around dating like crazy. I don't mind people asking me if I'm dating so and so, or if me and such and such are a thing, because all that means is that they've noticed me getting close to someone. Which in mind isn't a bad thing. It's when people tell me I've had too many boyfriends... Uhm, no, I haven't had too many boyfriends. In fact I highly doubt that you even know how many people I've ACTUALLY been with. There are 5 people I've actually been with. 2 that I may or may not have been out with. And let me tell you, one of those relationships was 15 months, another was 8 months, one was two weeks, one was one week, and one was in middle school. Does that even freaking count? No. And I don't have to defend myself against anyone, because these are my decisions, they're what I did with my life, and I don't regret them or think that anyone can judge me for them. I decided to explain to you because I want you to know my basis here. I'm not ashamed at all. You're not me, so you don't know what these were, and you're not my best friend, so you don't know what it looked like, and you don't know the boys, you don't know at all.
I'm not in the habit, either, of chasing boys. Because if they're worthy of me, then I won't have to hook them. I don't want a boy to like me because I flirt with him, or make any advance. I want someone who likes me for me first, and I want the choice to be mine. I want it to be a mutual conversation, not a game of cat and mouse. I want that reality. And where life stands thus far, I want dating, and flirting, and smiling. I want small moments, and light smiles, and cheek kisses. I want memories, not a heavy, down hill risk. I want to take chances without risking my heart, but instead making it happier.
I want to be happy. Foolishly, completely, 100 percent happy. And I don't want it to be because of a boy. I want it to be because of me. And I want my friends to enhance it, I want boys to enhance it, and my family to enhance it. I will not cry over a boy who I mean nothing to. I will walk away if it's poisonous, I will tiptoe if it's treacherous, and I will walk with baited breath if it seems to easy.
Thanks for listening :)
love, forever and always
R
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