Apparently she's always better than me. She does five hours of homework, but I only do an hour, because that's all I had. Apparently she's all that ever matters, because it's always her choice of how loud the music is, or what we're eating. Everything is about her- her life, my life (or at least it's apparently supposed to be), my mom's life. It's all my mom thinks about now, and it's all she can worry about. What do I really matter right now? Because (apparently) nothing.
Hi, I'm Rex. I haven't slept well in five days.
This is where you say Hi Rex in a monotone even that guy from Ferris Bueller cannot achieve.
I understand that she has a lot on her own plate, but she's kind of been very... narrow minded today, if you understand what I'm saying. It's not something she can help, but it'd be nice for once for someone to actually care about me. Or wonder about how I'm doing and, here's a novel idea, actually care. She does this, but on her time. She's a real fair weather sister (on her end) but I need dependability.
Next, the juniors in one of my classes, while very nice regularly, have taken to assuming I'm incorrect at all times, or that the points I bring up are invalid. One of my group members will talk over me while the other ignores me at any one time. Here's the kicker: one of them is my sister's best friend. At first he seemed like an insanely lovely person, but he's slowly evolving into (yet another) school centered, I-am-always-right-and-always-will-be attitude. And that's fine, when it doesn't involve a high horse, or hurting others. Maybe it's just a school setting, but I'm still stuck on the fact that, when he seems like the perfect boy, I can't seem to get on his good side.
I mean, come on. I may be younger than them, or seemingly less experienced, but if they could look past their own minds, maybe they'd see that I can do a lot of the things they ask me to do, I actually CAN play my instrument, so don't assume that since I'm in the lower band I can't. And maybe, for once, someone will look at me and see me long enough to start to care about me.
Is it just me? Am I just not someone people want to care about? Because it's been a lot of years and I still feel like there's this film separating me from everyone. I'm not the girl people fall over themselves to help in the hall, or who stand up for me when someone's not being the nicest person. I don't make fast friends, and I have trouble making close friends. Because of my past, and now because of my present, I can't trust anyone.
My mom forgets everything a minute after I say, for one because she doesn't have the mind to care, and two, because I never have anything interesting to say. Sissy has her mind on other things, so I guess I'll take the back burner, despite everything I'm going through. And that Junior may seem like a perfect person, but obviously I rub him the wrong way. We used to be on good terms but he's judging a book by it's cover. It may seem like I'm doing the same, but I've known him for a few months. Trust me, he's in a better place now than before, so I think he could afford to be a bit more understanding.
Maybe I'm just unlikable.
Maybe I'm just sincerely unbearable.
Maybe I'm just not at all a lovely person.
Maybe I'll one day be able to say that and believe it, because, while I'm not the best at social skills, there has to be someone out there who cares about me. I can think of two or three people. I guess this is more a complaint about my family.
Can't live with them, can't live without em.
Forever and Always,
Rex
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