I Shouldn't But I Do

I'm kind of in a bind,

Stuck at home watching my phone,

Waiting for you to call,

Wishing you would pick up the phone,

Please pick up the phone,

To text me, joke with me,

Flirt with me?

Are you flirting,

Or am I just a diversion from the

Mundanity of the day when you get home from work.

When you get home from work, do you smile?

Are you happy, are you tired, are you depressed?

Are you mild?

Are you something more than just

What I see when you walk by

Doing your job, but sending me smiles?

When you get home, am I

On your mind

The way you're always on mine?

Don't you think you'd need a break

After all the time you spend

Haunting my every thought and every daydream?

Do you even know

That you're the very definition of

Everything I should I avoid?

Do you even know

That I am spending

My spare time wishing

That you would make your move?

You're older and wiser

More experienced than me the way everyone is.

What would you expect from me,

And yet I'd like to know.

I don't think I'd live up to your ideals,

But I'd like to try and show you how much fun

Depression can be.

And I shouldn't,

Oh my goodness I shouldn't,

But I do. And I want to.

Oh my goodness do I want to.

I want nothing more than to,

I want to, I want to, I want to. You're so

Well you're nothing I'd usually go for.

You're nothing I would usually want

But I'm empowered.

I'm brave, and sure, and I am entirely myself.

And I shouldn't,

Oh my goodness I shouldn't,

But I do. Oh my god I do.

He Doesn't Like Me (and Other Things I'm Trying Not to Think About)

I promise I'm not bragging when I tell you the following: I've never had an unrequited crush in which I legitimately caught feelings for someone. Until now, that is, as far as I know, because I don't know he doesn't like me. In fact, I have every reason to believe he DOES except that he a) hasn't texted me; b) acted weird last time we talked; and c) is way older than me, way older than me, way older than me, except that I don't actually know how old he is. What I do know is what we've said to each other and the brief hints he's given to my friends. But how substantial can an assumption-- well, hope, really, if we're being honest here. Because I shouldn't get butterflies when he texts me, I shouldn't hope he will, because the thing is I don't even really know him.
But I want to. He talks differently to me; softer, and he leans in, and the clearness of his eyes, with their gentle buzz and their secrecy and the interest they hold when he talks to me, one on one...

But I'm trying not to think about it, because let's be honest it's a night and  day kind of thing. I've been writing slam poetry lately and naturally I wrote one about him; I'm thinking of writing a song about it tonight... Because I am everything I would have thought he would never want. I wore a Cinderella costume to school today, for Queen's sake; and it wasn't even an adult costume like come on. I mix patterns, I laugh loudly, and I write strange songs and serenade somewhat strangers because my friend had a bad day and it would make her happy.

I'm older now; I know better than to try to orchestrate some kind of romance; the cutesy ploys that casually happen in books are creepy when carefully executed in real life. It's something you can only learn from experience. It's weird to think I'm basically an adult; people come to me for advice because I'm older and wiser; I'm that senior people look up to in band because I started where they are now and look how far I've gotten. So I know better than to make decisions based on whether or not I'm going to see him because I don't need him and I don't even know him, and my happiness is not worth a sacrifice for others; I wear what I want and do what I want because I have a reason and if that reason's good enough than it's good enough.

But he texts me and boom-- actual legitimate butterflies, that make me wonder if I ever actually had that before. And this is of course the worst possible time with the worst possible person, because he terrifies me and the idea of him is exciting and new. But that's all I have; an idea of him, of who I think he is and who I expect him to be. But I don't know him and I don't pretend to, and I don't know how long these butterflies will last.

There was one guy I dated who worked at a place I frequented; when I made faces at him, he'd ignore them. Maybe he thought they were childish, or foolish, or just a silly little high school girl giving him a fun time who he can dump as soon as the honeymoon phase ends. And this boy and I are barely acquaintances, and yet here I am daydreaming about him, writing about him... Because he makes faces at me first when we catch each other looking at each other.

What scares me about this is that for the first time I am completely myself and I don't want to be thinking about this. Because I feel completely myself and he seems interested. And I know better now than to compromise who I am for someone-- especially a boy.

But a mutual person in our lives-- she's seen me be torn up by his predecessor, and she and I aren't friends, and she claims no judgement but how stupid would I be to step up, go after another mutual person, and end up broken in the same way. Because she was so incredibly sweet, and I don't want her to... No, she won't judge. And even if she does...

I don't know; I guess it's always complicated... but come on, come on, come. On. We're barely acquaintances, but he makes me feel...

Hmm.

xo
R
forever and always